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Dealing with Bullies

There can be no bully without a victim and no victim without a bully. They are both poor choices in getting needs met and part of a very persistent disruptive cycle.

Is your child a bully? Or maybe just bossy?
Are problems in your home handled with intimidation and aggression or reason?

Bully-ing is learned behavior and will usually fill the void when a child isn’t given better tools for getting their needs met (social skills and a safe environment for starters). If a parents bully children those children will tend to bully others. And intimidating or threatening is a type of bully-ing. We all do it sometimes. Less is generally better. When parents handle children with respect they will tend to treat others in much the same way. Are siblings allowed to bully one another?

Important distinction .. Once someone fights back it’s not bullying anymore. Fighting is one thing .. Intimidation and threat, either overt or implied, is very different. In my opinion fighting as long as it isn’t brutal can be a point of pride; the logic being ...I did my best and stood up for myself ...even if I didn’t win .. . Allowing oneself to be manipulated by fear is a much more destructive pattern.

If you are concerned that your child is overly aggressive. Use a very basic teaching model ... help them understand what they are trying to get; be it an object or a feeling, and then show them how to get it more smoothly with a more socially acceptable method. Asking or negotiating for example.

Is your child a “victim” or just kind of a wimp?

Does your child get “picked on”?

Step one
Assess your child’s posture, carriage and bearing.

Use the example of superman ... when He is Superman he stands tall, rolls his shoulders back, puts his hands on his hips, and looks everyone in the eyes.

Does anyone Bully Superman?

But wait ... When he is Clark Kent he stoops his shoulders and looks at the ground and everyone mistreats him ...he is still the same person but they way he acts drives the way other people treat him. Help your child communicate confidence through posture, eye contact and vocal quality.

Step Two
Help your child to avoid problems before they start. Stay away from trouble makers and people they don’t get along with. Not out of fear but for their own convenience ... who wants the aggravation .. Let them bother someone else.

Step Three
Walk away ... very often just walking away can de-escalate a situation ..

Important distinction... School is a unique place .. Very different from the grown up world. If you as an adult have a problem with someone being aggressive you just leave and no one makes you go back .. And for the most part you are dealing with others who have indirectly agreed to civil behavior. Those who haven’t are generally broke and/or in jail and you don’t interact with them very often...as a rule. Your children on the other hand have no real choice as to which school, which class, or even which seat they occupy and who else attends that school .. And many of those children have no interest in civil behavior.. And when there is a problem ... most often .. Your child will encounter these people again and soon. So Walk away is not the last step .. Your child needs more tools.

Step Four
Ask for help

At School
I teach children to walk up to a teacher and say “ Mrs. (Teacher).... (bully) and I are having a problem and I’m afraid it might get physical ...will you please help?” while keeping direct eye contact.
Even if your child doesn’t fully understand this phrase... the teacher does ... it implies that someone is going to get hit and she has been informed ..whether or not any action is taken is up to her but your child has done their part to help maintain order. It is a vast improvement over “(bully) is picking on me” whined at the top of a child’s voice

From You
I suggest you remember all the things children did to one another when you were a kid and then tell your child how you want them to handle each of those problems. These are complex and subtle choices that are too much to expect a small child to handle well under stress in the heat of the moment.


If we’ve done the first four steps and it hasn’t solved the problem ... or if the situation happens too quickly to get help ..in a bathroom for example.

Step five
Be Assertive

Teach your child to stand tall with feet apart in an athletic position (I call it rhino feet to help children get a visual)

place one hand directly in front of themself hand open palm facing the bully about chest high.( I call it force field hand )

Direct eye contact (laser beam eyes)

and firmly with some volume .. State “NO ... I don’t want a problem!) And just keep repeating it until the bully backs off or help arrives.


Step Six
defend yourself.

This is a personal choice to be made within each family. We each have our own standards and you must communicate them to your child clearly.

Help your child understand that even though they may get in trouble at school they won’t be in trouble at home if they follow all of the other steps and then defend themselves in the cases you have told them to.. This is one rare instance where they’ll be in trouble at school but not at home. I have seen this clarity alone give a child the confidence to keep bullies away with no other changes.


Practice
You can “role play” this with your child ..explanation is not enough .. They’ll need to go through the motions several times on several occasions before they have a chance at doing it for real.

I also suggest involving your child in a quality martial arts program.. Do your homework and find a fit for your family. All schools are not created equal. Yes even for the aggressive child .. A top notch program can help that child build more real self-respect and as a result they’ll require less aggression to get their needs met.